• Join us at CrynAir!

Since you're reading this, you're probably a customer and chances are you're poor enough to want a job.

Due to the enormous profits we've raked in recently, we're offering some positions in our most important departments.

So, if you're able to design garish crap in Word or if you can make a spectacularly uninspiring website or if you apply your makeup with a spade, you could be just what we're looking for.

Designers, Web Designers and aspiring Cabin Crew - go to our Jobs page and read more.

• Free travel guides!

At CrynAir we're committed to sending you into the middle of nowhere, miles from the city you actually wanted to get to.

That's why we're now offering FREE travel guides to your favourite destinations!... Starting with Luton.

• Blog Standard

If you thought Twitter and Facebook was enough, we're now blogging on something called Tumblr as well.

Being one of those Internet fads that every prepubescent American seems to lap up, I doubt it'll have much relevance to any of you Europeans, but have a look anyway.

Do let me know if it's a waste of time though as I could be doing something far more constructive to get free press coverage instead. Like beating up small children or covering dolphins with oil.

• Toilet Trouble

Since introducing our revolutionary new charge for use of our toilets on flights, we've noticed some of our more frugal customers have been preparing themselves with incontinence pads, adult diapers and relieving themselves in the sick bags.

Thanks to our new PantsScan™ system, we'll be sure to weed you out; our stewards now have the right to forcibly remove your trousers to check for contraband soakables.

You're welcome!

• Union City Blues

CrynAir employees: Jealous of well-off BA employees and their powerful union keeping them rich and fed with fresh swan on toast while you have to feed the kids Micro Chips and crispy pancakes?

Maybe you'd like your own union? E-mail feck-off@crynair.com

• The Germans started it.

In a shocking move that is likely to crush the freedom of the paying German public, we have been told we're not allowed to charge credit card fees! Of course, Visa Electron (available to 16-year olds) attracts no fee at all, so quite what the issue is I have no idea.

Our prices are low because of charging these card fees so clearly from now on Germans will no longer benefit from our industry-leading prices. We will do everything we can to overturn this ruling.

We'll fight them on the beaches...

• Free fights for all!

That's right, you asked for it. This is one service there's no surcharge for.

• Hotel compensation update for our whiny customers

Reversing our decision to not pay any compensation for stranded customers' hotel bills, we're announcing that we will give up to €100 back to any customers that claims.

To qualify, simply download and complete the 52 page PDF hidden on our website, send it back to us along with your signature in blood and pay a €120 credit card surcharge. You'll receive compensation some time next millennium.

Thank you for flying CrynAir, now shut up.

• Mum's not gone to Iceland.

Thanks to volcano activity, one of our routes (Upyerass in Iceland) has now been removed completely due to a covering of lava.

Of course, quite why anyone decided to live in a country that's nothing more than a big volcano is beyond me; they deserve whatever they get.

• Bugger OFT

The Office of Fair Trading have been on our case again, saying that our charges are unfair.

As Britain's Favourite Airline, obviously our customers are happy with the costs - and remember, you can avoid the charges completely when paying with rare Nepalese coins.