Jobs
Would you like to join a world-class flying operation? No? The jobs below may be for you then.
Web Designer
So you aspire for greatness but always fall short?
You're perfect for a job with us where we take the 'design' out of 'web design'.
Our website is unique in offering no login access for returning customers, having no speed optimisation and being the worst-designed website in corporate history. You can help build on this success.
You must be capable of working quickly to add adverts to the website and ready to liaise with the 'special' people in the Design department who may need help choosing between Verdana and Arial in their next promotion.
Requirements:
- The ability to explain technology to CrynAir bosses using pointing and small words.
- Awareness of how EasyJet's website works but refusal to even attempt anything as good.
- Knowledge of the existence of Web 2.0 and other Internet technologies but no inclination to ever learn them.
- The knowledge of Microsoft Frontpage.
- To be able to work in tandem with our team of Designers to ensure nothing matches.
Send a link to your appalling website portfolio to jobs@crynair.com and expect an e-mail back if we can work out how Outlook works.
Designer
Do you love Comic Sans? We want you!
We're on the lookout for someone who can take our brand to new heights. You must be proficient in Microsoft Word or Corel Draw and have a wide knowledge of Windows fonts. Typography, consistency, colour theory and logo design are all absolutely unnecessary, as is any desire to make anything look appealing.
You must also be capable of creating a new logo from scratch every time its required, using every font at your disposal.
Requirements:
- At least one qualification in any subject.
- The knowledge of Corel Draw or Microsoft Word on Windows 3.1.
- Proficient in the creation of animated graphics for the website.
- At least one working eye and hand.
- The ability to accept whatever menial task is given to you without complaining.
- The drive to challenge yourself to stretch text in new and exciting proportions.
- No aspirations to do anything remotely attractive (we pay real designers to make the magazine).
- No aspirations.
Send your over-designed CV to Dominic Casual at jobs@crynair.com
Cabin Crew
We're always on the lookout for new cabin crew to help fill the hole left by crew that have buggered off to BA.
You should have a polite, calm manner when dealing with our passengers, akin to that of a care helper wiping drool and biscuits from a disabled man's chin. Failing that, you should be able to lift ten times your body mass and look a bit like the Russian boxer in that Rocky movie.
If you're a male applicant it is necessary for you to be overtly homosexual with wrists limper than ten day old lettuce. Your manner must be camp, dismissive and, with head held high, ever so slightly bitchy when walking away from an idiot customer.
Our female applicants must be experienced in applying lipstick, foundation and peroxide liberally and should be friendly in a disgustingly fake manner to everyone, even when stinging them for money.
In all cases we ask that, on making announcements, you have a conversation at the same time with fellow cabin crew in order to make the announcement last as long, and as fragmented, as possible.
Requirements:
- Benefits: Yes, you must be receiving government benefits.
- Must be comfortable taking clothes off for annual charity calendar.
- Must be fluent in CrynAirian - a mixture of all Europe's languages - and taking money from suckers.
- Must be able to take what the pilot's announced time of arrival was and then, two minutes later, change the number completely when making the passenger announcement.
If you feel you can make a difference, e-mail your portfolio along with a list of boxing achievements to jobs@crynair.com